From Wordy to Well Written

This is the perfect example of what I do.

Below is a letter I worked on last year for a temple. As the Director of Communications for the place, I was responsible for reviewing and approving all materials that went out to the public. This letter went out to all the local businesses, asking them to purchase ads in gala program. I think the original writer got bogged down in unnecessary details and lost the focus of the letter.

Read the BEFORE and then the AFTER and you'll understand my trade.


BEFORE

Dearest Friends...
Our community is like a garden...thriving only through dedicated attention, constant devotion and care. For more than two decades, [Temple X], [X County]’s oldest synagogue, has been an active and involved presence...tending to both the [X County] community and the metro Atlanta area as well.

This Fall, [Temple X] is proud to host “Lights of [TEMPLE X]”...a fabulous evening of food and fun, initiated to annually recognize some of our communities most dedicated and beloved “gardeners.” Lights of [TEMPLE X] will feature Atlanta media personality [Name X] as Master of Ceremonies, and the evening will be highlighted by a gourmet Mediterranean
dinner buffet, music and dancing with The Society Express Band, and the bestowment of [Temple X] newest honor...the [Temple X Award].

In Hebrew, the word “avodah” is used to describe service or work, particularly to God, or in His name. In English, we refer to the same as community service or performing good deeds. This year’s event honors [Rabbi X], senior Rabbi at [Temple X] since 19XX and recent recipient of an honorary doctorate for 25 years in the Rabbinate, as well as [Persons X], active [TEMPLE X] congregants and founders of the [Preschool X] [TEMPLE X]. As our 2008 recipients, [Rabbi X] and [Persons X] will be receiving the very first [TEMPLE X] Award.

We’re hoping we can count on you and your business to help make this important milestone event a great fundraising success for [TEMPLE X]! We feel it will be a beneficial partnership for everyone, especially our community. Funds raised from Lights of [TEMPLE X] will be used by [Temple X] to aid continuation of important educational, spiritual and social programming that [TEMPLE X] has been providing to the area for over two decades. Without your help, many adults and children in our community might be deprived of resources in the future which they have counted on in the past.

We’re excited to be able to offer you a wonderful opportunity to participate in Lights of [TEMPLE X]!

We are producing and publishing a Commemorative Ad Journal/Event Program to distribute that evening. We offer several sizes of ads at reasonable prices. This is also a wonderful way for your business to increase visibility in our area, as well as give back to the community. We have attached a form for your convenience...we hope you’ll find supporting Lights of [TEMPLE X] a win-win for all...reaping great benefits to both your business, as well as the greater metro area. All donations and funds raised will directly impact our community, through the continued funding of the important and diverse needs that [TEMPLE X] has and will continue to provide for in the coming years.

If you should have any questions, please feel free to call us anytime!


AFTER

This fall, Temple X is proud to host the first annual Lights of Temple X, a gala to honor Rabbi X and Mr. and Mrs. X for their contributions to Temple X and the Jewish community. The evening will include Miss X as Master of Ceremonies, a gourmet Mediterranean dinner buffet, music and dancing with The Society Express Band, and the bestowment of the Temple X Avodah Award for Community Service.

We are producing and publishing a commemorative Ad Journal/Event Program to distribute that evening. We offer several sizes of ads at reasonable prices. You can increase your business visibility in our area and give back to the community.

Funds raised from Lights of Temple X will be used only by Temple X to continue its educational, spiritual and social programming.

We have attached a form for your convenience. If you should have any questions, please feel free to call us anytime.